Glasses, bi-polar women and kids with ADD...

Sometimes I think we quit trying to work on subjects that really enriched our lives and culture in the past; like art, romance, inventing new delicious breakfast cereals...and started using that energy to come up with ways to solve ailments that almost no one really suffers and almost everyone should have to live with if they do.

Glasses are the top offender on the list of crap everyone can get a doctor to say they need but can and should live without. Things a little blurry? Squint, you pussy. There's no reason to spend hundreds of dollars on a face ornament to announce to the world that you need to be coddled in some way because you aren't experiencing the world in perfect HD at all times. Do you really need to count the leaves on a tree you pass by barely noticing to begin with? No. Have you ever actually encountered something written in 12 point font at 4 feet away that you couldn't read? On the off chance you ever do; walk closer you lazy bastard. Are you running into shit constantly? If you are, then maybe you need glasses. Otherwise accept that you don't have telescopic vision, you may have to hold a book at a different distance and the subtle pattern under the hem of a sleeve may elude you. Glasses are for old people and pussies. And people who are running into shit. Only.

It's the same thing with bi-polar disorder in women now. You mean your wife acts like a crazy bitch sometimes? Say it ain't so! Let me let you in on a little secret; shes a chick. And chicks are fucking crazy. They don't need long term chemical intervention or even therapy, they need 1) Flowers, chocolate and a good hard nailing every week or so and 2) To be told to shut the fuck up and go clean something when they have time to sit around contemplating the vast meaninglessness of their life/behavioral problems of their spouse/what a bitch their best friend is etc. Seriously, when the house is spic and span, dinner is made, there's something complicated baking in the oven for dessert, the kids are a grade level ahead of where they used to be and the dog can balance a cookie on his nose; if you still have the time an energy to have a freak out then by all means, go seek professional help. But if you're just sitting on your ass milling through potential things to lose your mind about, you're not bi-polar. You're lazy, and a failure, and should feel exactly as bad as you do about yourself. No uplifting meds for you.

I can solve all the world's semi-legitimate problems in such a way; Aspergers? Keep your ass inside when possible and quit touching people at the bus stop when you have to go out. ADD? Study harder and skip from subject to subject all you'd like. You'll make a fucking killing if you're ever chosen for Jeopardy. Lactose intolerance? If you have a 'lactose intolerance' you should be required to wear a tutu at all times. It's just milk asshole, drink less of it or shut up and take your 25 minutes in the bathroom like a grown up. Solved. Porn addiction? Whap his face with a newspaper and tell him 'No' in a firm clear voice. Actually, that'll work for any addiction. Spare me the psychoanalysis bullshit about what area of your life went wrong and you now need to self medicate to feel normal. You're addicted because it feels good. You're quitting because you've overused and turned into a douche and a liability. Also because you're getting hit in the face with a newspaper every time you try to indulge yourself. Solved. Hoarding? Throw that pile of crap away, drag all 120 of the dogs/cats/canaries whatever the fuck it is out back in the yard and shoot them. Deal with the breakdown later. I'll be willing to bet they're so afraid of having their mass of dogs shot/piles of stuff burned again that they'll never want to stockpile as long as they live. Solved.

I could go on all day. I'll be waiting for the call for my new A&E series: 'Samantha fixes everyone's stupid fucking problems' It'll mostly be people crying and me throwing rocks at them. What, like A&E has better programming lined up for next season...